Stream of Consciousness

Writing about what I am going to change next year is really rough right now. I am just trying to make it to the end of this year in one piece. Yes I have had thoughts about how I am going to change things in the middle of class, but I haven’t really sat down and thought about it. I am not sure even where I will be next year. That’s what the summer is for. But here goes nothing…

…I will be stricter with calculators. They wont steal batteries. They will each have numbers assigned to them and the numbers will not change…

…I will not teach calculator programs until the very end. I wish I had hammered the basics even more. I should have stayed on some subjects longer…

…I want to plan out my own schedule for the year. The kids will know when every test is for the fall and spring semesters separately. The fall semester I would randomly just say we are having a test this week or next Monday. This semester I have gotten better at but not what I want…

…I want to have better organization on the walls in my room. I want the room to have less white space. I have decorated school doors since the 5th grade. My best friend and I use to do it all the time because our mom’s worked in the school. I LOVE decorating classrooms. I had such high hopes for my room. However I quickly learned to change those hopes because my students would ripe them down or write curse words on them. Next year I want stuff up all the time…

…I am sticking with rewards…I need to be more consistent with my consequences. I have noticed that I am not fair. Its not on purpose but its because I have started to make up my own consequences on the fly rather than sticking to a ladder. I want to create a ladder again so everyone knows when they are getting what and why. Because of variables that were not in my control, this was not possible this year, but I am looking to change that next year.

…My overall goal is for the students to take on more responsibility in my classroom from the beginning. They will have organized notebooks. They will write things down and I will do less. They will take attendance. They will work in groups and answer each other’s questions. I am not your mamas!!! That’s what I say these days. I don’t buy your pencils. I don’t keep track of your id. I don’t make sure you aren’t cheating. That’s wasting my energy. You have got to wake up and want to learn. Otherwise its all pointless. …that’s the tail end of a speech that I was giving my classes today….they were off the chain. I cancelled tutoring because I was so tired. I felt guilty.

Paradise aka HAWAII

For spring break Charlie and I went to Hawaii. We could not have made a better decision for so many reasons.

First of all, it was my first visit to the island. I have always wanted to go and I can’t believe I made that dream a reality. It’s crazy that Hawaii is part of the US. You get there and you feel like you are in another country! And Hawaii met all my expectations and more. The people as well as the general atmosphere were very chill and relaxing. The beaches were gorgeous. The views were to die for. The food was scrumptious. BUT best of all, I was able to relax.

This is the second reason why Hawaii was an excellent decision. Yes it was spring break and I would have probably been happy just about anywhere outside of the state of Mississippi, however, being in Hawaii I completely forgot about EVERYTHING. I forgot about being cursed out and dealing with children who just don’t care. I did not think of the delta once! I got some much needed sleep. I woke up when I wanted to. I just felt so much better! I wasn’t holding any stress in my shoulders. Life was gooooood.

What did we do?
- Sunday: we climbed Diamond Head! It was more of a hike than I thought. But the view at the top was to die for!!! Plus I love hiking.
- Monday: Iolani Palace! I love royalty. It was fun
- Tuesday: Tour of the island. Because of the tsunami the waves on the north shore were ridiculous!! I have always wanted to see big waves and they were out of control. We got to go to a pineapple fame (DOLE). Pineapple is my favorite fruit so that was awesome. Do you know how pineapple grows?
- Wednesday: We went to a market. I love markets.
- Thursday: Polynesian Culture Center. WOOOHOOO. I love the Mormons just for building this place. I learned so much. I had so much fun. It made me want to go to all the other islands! The whole center was centered around different Polynesian islands and their cultures. We saw performances from all the countries as well!!
- Friday: We spent ALL day at the beach. We were leaving and we wanted to soak in as much sun as possible

Yes the end was horrible to leave, however Charlie and I came to a realization. We work in hell. We go to work every day even though we hate it just so we can go to places like this. And it was all worth it. I would go back in a heart beat. In fact as we were traveling to the airport I started shooting questions at a local about life on the island and how much it actually costs, etc. Perhaps I am headed to Hawaii post Mississippi delta? Ha.

Oh and pineapple grows on a bush about 3 feet off the ground, not in a tree or in the ground.

O.M.G its MARCH!!!!

Just a quick shout out to the fact that  WE MADE IT TO MARCH!!!  I can't believe that at all.  Its crazy to look back on it all.  In September I really didn't think I was going to make it to this point.

I know we still have March, April, and May to get through, but you know what else I have to look forward to? MARDI GRAS, HAWAII, A TRIP TO DC, A VISIT FROM MY FAMILY, and ENGLAND THIS SUMMER!!!!

Congrats to us all for making it thus far!

Why Should You Join MTC?

1.      …if you got rejected from TFA. 

2.      …because you realize MTC is ten million times better than TFA so its actually a blessing in disguise.  For real!  I’ve talked to my TFA friends about this.  I am in the same schools as the TFA teachers.  We are going through the same hell BUT MTC teachers get a free macbook and a free education.  Thus MTC > TFA. 

3.      …because you want to save the world. Ha. Well you certainly aren’t going to save the world.  But I have to acknowledge the importance of this sort of spirit in some of the teachers I’ve met.  They quickly learn that that’s not going to happen, but its not that they discard the thought, but rather they change it.  It’s not about saving the world, but making a difference in one child’s life.  I can tell you right now, I wake up and go to school every day for a handful of students.  I believe that I am actually making a difference in their lives.

4.     …if you want to learn a new hobby.  I mean I was placed in the middle of no where.  There is nothing to do but drive to Memphis and spend money shopping.  You can visit other places like Vicksburg and Tunica, but Charlie and I did all that by the end of October.  Hell we even have made it to Gulfport!  So that means that you really have to entertain yourself.  I make a lot of things.  I made a stool for my classroom.  I cook.  I workout.  But my most recent hobby has been gardening.  It was an investment but totally worth it.  My tulips and daffodils are starting to sprout.  I am so proud of the work I have done.  I am pretty sure no one has done anything with our yard in years.  Its been quite the workout every Saturday.  I’ve been working at it for the past two weekends and I’ve only been able to clear one flowerbed and rake a quarter of the yard.  Enough about my gardening adventures…my point is living in the middle of nowhere around no one from home has forced me to challenge myself to do things I probably would never have time for otherwise in a city.

5.      …if you want to dip your toes in the world of education.  Even if you have a horrible two years, you come out with a master’s degree.   I would almost argue that if teaching IS what you want to do as your career, then don’t do this program.  Both my roommate and myself came into this program with the desire to become teachers.  But because of a lot of factors we became very negative about a lot of things.  I have questioned whether this is for me.  I have questioned whether this is really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.  I have questioned whether there is any way to save these schools other than just shutting them down.  I am not saying that I don’t want to teach after this program.  I do.  I think that I am not being given the tools to reach my full potential so I am curious to see if I can actually teach and I think that requires a better school.  But just be forewarned that this will really change the way you view education. 

Someone recently said something that has really hit home to me in recent weeks. “Even if I never touch education again, I know that schools like this exist.  I know to be grateful for what I have and the education I had growing up.”  I have a little over a year to go.  Who knows where I will be after that, but I will always be able to look back on this experience, and hell, just be proud of myself for making to through in one piece!

A Random Thought...

So bare with me here.  I woke Sunday morning and a random thought popped into my head.  Its a little out there, so bare with me:

I want to take a group of ten students to DC in May of next year.

Yup thats right.  A field trip.  800 miles away.  Ten students.  Me and another teacher.  It sounds crazy just writing about.  But I have been awake for an hour now and I've been laying in bed just thinking of the details: hows it going to happen, who can come, how do we fund it, how do I get the principal/school board to allow me to go, etc.  There are a lot of unknown answers, but what I do know is that I am excited for next year!!

Why do I want to do this? Why do I want to take on this MASSIVE responsibility?  Well underneath all the negativity, I do care about my students.  I do care about their education and about there futures.  And one of the things that concerns me the most, is their lack of  knowledge and experiences with cities and cultures outside of Greenville or Memphis or Jackson.  After Thanksgiving break, I made a slideshow of all the places I visited in DC.  You would not believe the comments I heard as we were watching.  Giggles when a picture of the Washington Monument went up because it looked like a penis.  "Who's that man?" when photos of the Lincoln Memorial were shown.  I really took it for granted that I grew up going to these places for school field trips, but the fact that the students didn't even recognize the monuments let alone their names was really disheartening.  This trip wouldn't just be about getting them outside Mississippi, but would also be about exposing them to history that is relevant to their lives.  I also intend to take them to Georgetown and perhaps even Howard University. The things we can do are endless AND the best part is so many things in DC are free.  Thank you Smithsonian's!

I know this is nuts, but don't some of the best ideas come from crazy thoughts?  I have been thinking of all the ways we can raise money too.  We can do a small portion on donorschoose,  we can sell school tshirts for football games, we can sell holiday cards, etc. I have even thought of some of the random logistical things that will go into this adventure.  We will need another teacher to join us and they will have to be male.  I have already decided anyone with even one referral is not coming.  We can wait till January to decide who comes and we can make them apply for it and write an essay or two on why they want to come.  Yikes its getting me really excited again just thinking about it!!

And I think that is the best part of this whole idea.  I AM EXCITED.  The last things I got excited over was gardening.  I don't remember the last school thing I got excited about.  I know that this will be a big task and who knows if it will actually go down.  I know I have a lot of people to convince that this can happen.  But I am determined.  And even if I can't convince them on DC, them maybe somewhere closer? Somewhere we can drive?  Oh the possibilities...

Why am I here?

I've been asking myself that a lot recently.  Well really, I know why I am here.  Ideally, I want to help children learn.  I want to close the achievement gap.  I want to change just one of my student's futures.  I want to experience a new culture.  I want my degree in education.  But really the question I have been asking myself has been, why am I STILL here?

Day in and day out I return home from a ridiculously hard and tiring day or work where I am hardly appreciated.  I get cursed out 10 times by 8am and it doesn't stop until 4pm.  The students come up with some creative insults, but the only thing I can think is "if only they spent half the same amount of time and energy into their work, they'd all be A students!"  The worse and most frustrating comments are about my teaching itself.  YES I am new.  But don't tell me I am the worse teacher when you sit there and talk/daydream/sleep/write notes/etc during my lesson!!! Then I get home and have to pep myself up to go back the next day. 

Again, why am I still here?  I've thought a lot about quitting and honestly the only thing keeping me here are the values that my parents instilled in me as a kid to never quit and to always give 110%.  Its not the free degree.  I will be honest, I am not even staying for the kids.  When it boils down to it,  its my subconscious that keeps screaming "Laura! You are sure as hell not quitting! You weren't brought up like that! You don't run away from things just because they are hard! You don't give up just because you are tired!"  Its annoying but then again I wonder what teaching would be like if my children had parents and relatives that hammered this into them at a young age.  Maybe I wouldn't have some many students give up just because they can't do one problem or they don't get something the first time...

So the question was asked "What can MTC do to help prevent people from quitting?"  Here are two things I have been thinking about.
1.  Ask first and second years at the end of the year whether or not MTC should place in their school/school district again.  No one has asked me this and I am not sure if anyone thinks it is important but my answer would be NO.  I complained about the students above, but the issues creep in at every level.  And as a first year teacher, its just too much to handle!! My mother reminds me often that everyone's first year is rough.  I believe her.  So on top of figuring out teaching, I have to deal with a mess of other things?  Its setting teachers up to fail.  I've discussed this with my roommate a lot.  We came into this program to become teachers, perhaps as our career for awhile.  But our current situation is really turning us off it.  Its like blowing out a flame that was once bright and glowing.

2.  TFA has lots of faults (as does MTC) but one thing that I really like about TFA is that they have a list of people who they are scared may quit. Then they give them extra support and checkin more often.  I wish MTC did this, and it should be feasible seeing as there are only 23 of us!!  When Ashely was around observing me, it was great because she was also there to checkin on me mentally.  But she is gone.  I feel like MTC needs to do a better job with checking in with its participants just to see how life is going.  Perhaps that's what second year mentors are suppose to do?  I am not sure.

I am counting down the days! Living for May 25th!  THAT'S how I make it through every day...well that and buying plane tickets places :)

A fight, A Stabbing, Two Wins, and Lots of Laughs Later.

Yup thats how I describe our soccer season.  No it wasn't that bad.  Yes all that stuff happened, but it may sound a BIT dramatic.  Point being, the season is OVER!!!

Just like my classroom, we look for improvement around every corner, and I wasn't disappointed.  As a whole, we won more games than last year (two this year, zero last year).  We scored more goals than last year (20 this year, 1 last year).  Throughout the season, the score differential decreased even when we lost. For example, we lost to Clinton 10 to 0 via the slaughter rule.  A week and half later we played them again and we lost 5 to 0!!! If that isn't improvement, I don't know what is! haha.

The score aside, our ability to work together and our ability to control our anger greatly improved as well!  If  you ask me, this accomplishment far out weighs the improvement in scores.  I am not sure you really understand the mess that was the girls soccer team at the end of October.  The backtalk. The disrespect.  The fights with each other on the field.  It was down right embarrassing!!  But by January, we were actually laughing at practice and on the bus rides home because we weren't arguing.

So what are my thoughts about soccer, coaching, etc. in the delta?
1.  It is a MAJOR time commitment.  I mean I understood that, but I did this alone.  I had no assistant coaches.  Turns out thats a big deal.  Assistants actually do do a lot!  Ha.  I didn't get home till 7pm on a good night then I had to get ready for school the next day and still get to bed...ugh.  And lets not talk about how my Friday nights and Saturdays until 4 or 5pm were taken for games.  Yes I had to give up a lot, but I am not going to lie, there were its benefits...
2.  The good things: I always had an excuse to not go to faculty meetings :)  I got to leave school early for away games!!  The girls were pretty awesome.  They made me pretty angry, but I also laughed a lot.  And sometimes, after really long days, it was nice to be with kids who wanted to be there and wanted to learn.
3.  Coaching is kind of hard!  It may be because I played rugby for the past four years.  Or it may be because the girls didn't know anything and I was teaching them the basics.  Either way,  it was a constant struggle.  It was hard to break it down that much.  It was frustrating that after working an entire season on kicking with the shoelaces, we still had girls shooting with their toes!!  This was my first coaching experience though.  There was a lot I learned.  I did an okay job, but give me the job again next year and I will be ten times better!
4.  The issues I see in the classroom were the same issues I saw on the soccer field.   Yes the girls wanted to be there but they were still disrespectful.  They still preferred to goof off.  They still wanted to talk through everything I said.  They still wanted to complain when I asked them to run TWO laps.  Again, worse of all, was they anger management issues.  I was constantly fighting the  "She pushed me, so I am goin' push her!" thoughts.  EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A SPORT.  I did my best but the girls could not understand that you arent suppose to just shove back.  And thats how we got into a fight or two throughout the season...
5.  Soccer should never be a winter sport.  Come on Mississippi, we all know that it does actually get cold here.  No hiding it.  Want proof?  Ask my aching toes and fingers.  I didn't get feeling back in them until last week.

So will I do it again? In a heartbeat.  Like I said,  a lot of the hiccups I blame on it being my first time coaching.