Why am I here?

I've been asking myself that a lot recently.  Well really, I know why I am here.  Ideally, I want to help children learn.  I want to close the achievement gap.  I want to change just one of my student's futures.  I want to experience a new culture.  I want my degree in education.  But really the question I have been asking myself has been, why am I STILL here?

Day in and day out I return home from a ridiculously hard and tiring day or work where I am hardly appreciated.  I get cursed out 10 times by 8am and it doesn't stop until 4pm.  The students come up with some creative insults, but the only thing I can think is "if only they spent half the same amount of time and energy into their work, they'd all be A students!"  The worse and most frustrating comments are about my teaching itself.  YES I am new.  But don't tell me I am the worse teacher when you sit there and talk/daydream/sleep/write notes/etc during my lesson!!! Then I get home and have to pep myself up to go back the next day. 

Again, why am I still here?  I've thought a lot about quitting and honestly the only thing keeping me here are the values that my parents instilled in me as a kid to never quit and to always give 110%.  Its not the free degree.  I will be honest, I am not even staying for the kids.  When it boils down to it,  its my subconscious that keeps screaming "Laura! You are sure as hell not quitting! You weren't brought up like that! You don't run away from things just because they are hard! You don't give up just because you are tired!"  Its annoying but then again I wonder what teaching would be like if my children had parents and relatives that hammered this into them at a young age.  Maybe I wouldn't have some many students give up just because they can't do one problem or they don't get something the first time...

So the question was asked "What can MTC do to help prevent people from quitting?"  Here are two things I have been thinking about.
1.  Ask first and second years at the end of the year whether or not MTC should place in their school/school district again.  No one has asked me this and I am not sure if anyone thinks it is important but my answer would be NO.  I complained about the students above, but the issues creep in at every level.  And as a first year teacher, its just too much to handle!! My mother reminds me often that everyone's first year is rough.  I believe her.  So on top of figuring out teaching, I have to deal with a mess of other things?  Its setting teachers up to fail.  I've discussed this with my roommate a lot.  We came into this program to become teachers, perhaps as our career for awhile.  But our current situation is really turning us off it.  Its like blowing out a flame that was once bright and glowing.

2.  TFA has lots of faults (as does MTC) but one thing that I really like about TFA is that they have a list of people who they are scared may quit. Then they give them extra support and checkin more often.  I wish MTC did this, and it should be feasible seeing as there are only 23 of us!!  When Ashely was around observing me, it was great because she was also there to checkin on me mentally.  But she is gone.  I feel like MTC needs to do a better job with checking in with its participants just to see how life is going.  Perhaps that's what second year mentors are suppose to do?  I am not sure.

I am counting down the days! Living for May 25th!  THAT'S how I make it through every day...well that and buying plane tickets places :)